The myth of closure

I have been thinking about a blog post on my experience of grief for some time but I've had a sort of writer's block about it.  A few weeks ago marked 8 years since the death of my brother-in-law and this year was harder than last for reasons I can't put my finger on.  Most days the sense of loss and the yearning for his presence sit just below the surface -- I've learned to carry this burden.  But there are some days when I still feel it keenly, it bubbles up for reasons I'm sometimes not consciously aware of or something I see or hear will trigger it and the full weight of it comes crashing back in ways that take my breath away.

I recently came across an article written by a doctor who treats cancer patients and although it isn't about suicide loss it said many things about loss and grieving so much better than I could have that I wanted to share it with you.  It's called "The Myth of Closure" by Stephen J. Forman, posted on a website called City of Hope. The link to the article has expired but you may find it by searching online.

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Dealing with the holidays

As the holiday season approaches I find myself thinking back to that first year after the death of my dear friend Brian McDonald who, by marrying my sister, became the brother I had always wanted.  Brian died by suicide in July of 2007 and as Summer cooled and became Autumn I clearly recall how my anxiety mounted with the approach of Thanksgiving.  I found it nearly impossible to imagine the traditions of family gatherings without him, wondered how and if his absence would be marked and decided that I needed to do something that felt right for me, but what?

I was reading everything I could find in books and on the internet at the time about suicide and I took some advice that really helped: We all mark the holidays differently according to our culture and traditions.  After the suicide of a loved one give yourself permission to do things that make you feel better and don't feel pressured to do things that won't.  Grieving is hard work.  It is physically, mentally and spiritually exhausting.  As much as possible, don't add to your burden by expecting too much of yourself.

I decided to add a lit candle to the room which would symbolize that Brian lived on in our hearts.  His candle sat on the sideboard at Thanksgiving and added its warm glow to our breakfast table as we shared our traditional french toast on Christmas morning.  It was one small way of bringing a little comfort into our lives.